so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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