someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
