phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
