Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
