So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
