your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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