You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
