You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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