I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize