Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
