one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
