at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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