Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
