the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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