When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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