dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
