i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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