There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it was like eating out sand paper
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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