I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
