last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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