Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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