When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
