My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
