Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
