I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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