So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
