I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Randomize
