i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
is it fun? or sober?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
