hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
