my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
