Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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