if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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