3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
