I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
