just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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