4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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