Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
MIDGETS
????
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
