I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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