If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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