the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
