my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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