There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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