You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
