If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
