I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
