i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
