Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
