I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
