I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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