i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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