; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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