just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
