Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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