roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
