I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
