I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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